The Red Flag List

Sid and Nancy: Toxic Love Romance

A lot of my clients come to see me when they are confused or distressed about a love relationship. Over the years I have compiled a comprehensive 'Red Flag List' to help them see the relationship dynamics more clearly.  When people fall in love it is incredibly hard for them to see a toxic relationship for what it is and my hope is that this list of warning signs will help them get out sooner than later. This list is long...ridiculously long!! If your relationship has one of these warning signs you need to  seriously consider if it is healthy for you. If it has two of these traits or more...RUN!!!!
In relationship our intuition is always working. It is a massive information machine! But desire clouds the communication lines. It's like what my friend, a therapist, said about love, "It is as if the road from the heart to the head is a super highway and the road from the head to the heart is an old dirt road." And when in doubt about your relationship ask your friends...they always know what the truth is.
***I have not included physical abuse in this list. If you are experiencing this, please  leave immediately.

​XTINA’S RED FLAG LIST

1. You feel confused. You are always trying to figure out where the relationship stands. The confusion itself is a red flag…it doesn’t matter what the confusion is about. Healthy, progressing relationships don't feel confusing.
2. You are afraid to express your true feelings because the other person won’t be able to handle it. If you are afraid you will drive someone away if you express your true feelings…you are right. Get the talk over with sooner than later…so you are free to find someone who can love you.
3. They engage and disengage. You have a great time together and then they don’t return phone calls in a reasonable time, so you end up calling them. No one is ever that busy…they just don’t care enough, are hiding something or are trying to control the situation. This is also called ‘seduce/withdraw’.
4. Instead of feeling excited about seeing your sweetheart after time apart, you experience the absence as painful. This is the hallmark of an addictive relationship. You know the relationship isn’t emotionally safe and that a short time apart could just as easily become permanent.
5. They are jealous.
6. They won’t make plans. It is normal to make plans…it gives us something to look forward to! When everything is spur of the moment…from their end only, they have the control and you are on their agenda.
7. They keep you separate from the rest of their life. You never meet their friends or family. They have excuses, but you are worth more than this. Either they are ashamed of you (ridiculous you gorgeous person!) or they are creating an overly exclusive relationship…which oftentimes is the hallmark of an abusive situation.
8. They are really high strung and uncomfortable with themselves.
9. They are broken and you want to fix them. Everybody falls for a broken person at some point. There is something very seductive in this scenario…I don’t know what it is, but I see it all the time! There are only two possible outcomes in this co-dependent situation and neither are good: 1. You give away your soul and they take it and get strong enough to leave you or 2. They never get fixed and bleed your energy dry and you end up sick.      RUN from this situation!!   Please read this article if you tend to fall for broken men:    http://gettinbetter.com/casanova.html
10. He is unable to prioritize you and your relationship when it comes to his mother. You have plans but his mom needs something done at the house and poof! your special day is disrupted or destroyed.  This spells doom. Run!! Read the book ‘When He is Married to Mom’.
11. He is unable to prioritize you and your relationship when it comes to anyone. He is very responsible and hardworking and caring, but he puts everyone’s needs before his own…and those of your relationship. This man was trained to be a ‘savior’ by his dysfunctional childhood.
12. They are addicted. You will always come in second to the addiction, whatever it is.
13. There is something ‘off’ about them. Your intuition is yelling ‘Watch Out’ but your logical mind can’t really find anything wrong…at first.
14. They want to change you.
15. They push for intimacy and commitment immediately; they move too fast. It may be flattering but something in you is saying ‘whooo this is too intense too soon’. This is a situation that is all about control…run, don’t walk,  from this person.
16. They call you fat…or any other name and/or they condescend to you.
17. You feel like you are doing all the ‘work’. They are casual and you are initiating all the ‘relationship’ conversations, etc, because, the truth is, you care more. I always feel uneasy when I do a relationship reading and one person is totally fine and the other is in distress.
18. They won’t apologize.
19. You feel lonely.
20. Your several month’s old relationship is based primarily on text messages.
21. They are constantly changing plans due to situations that are ‘out of their control’. This person is a chaos creator, often times unconsciously, and soon enough your life will be a mess, too.
22. Sex without intimacy. Sex without eye contact.
23. They are a narcissist.  They exhibit these traits: Conceit, frequent violation of boundaries, using others to serve one’s own needs, irresponsibility, rule breaking, extreme selfishness.
24. They are dismissive of your emotions…especially fear.
25. If you feel like you are ‘out of sight, out of mind’…you are.
26. They are a ‘negative surprise’ machine.
27. There is nothing wrong with you if your partner in a monogamous relationship suddenly wants to be ‘poly’ and you don’t. There is nothing ‘wrong’ with them either, but a sense of betrayal is a normal response when the premise of your whole relationship alters. This situation is really common in my practice right now. I have seen poly relationships work extremely well…when both partners enter into it knowingly and consciously. I have seen a lot of pain caused, though, when one partner goes poly and the other ‘tries it out’ because they don’t want to lose that person.
28. The ‘affection balance’ is off. Either they express zero affection or they are so overly affectionate that it makes you uncomfortable.
29. Getting involved with a married person is highly risky...and you may need to look at yourself!  This is not a moral situation I am talking about; people fall in love, marriages end and everyone deserves to be in a happy relationship. But what I have observed is this: the unavailability and danger stokes the fire and oftentimes the ‘other’ person actually has commitment issues as well as the unfaithful married person. They may not make it when they are 100% available to each other.
30. They don’t talk about you when you aren’t there.
31. And lastly, if you heed this list you may avoid getting locked into what I call a ‘LTNC’. Long Term No Commitment relationship. This is a combination of many traits I have listed. It usually looks something like this: A couple is together for years, but one of them is still reluctant to tell others that they have a partner, to move in together, to get married, to even talk about children. The less caring partner holds the power so the other person is always on the less caring person’s agenda and timeline, molding their schedule and life around them, terrified of really telling them what they want because they are afraid the dominant person will leave. And they are right. The really sad ending to this scenario that I have seen over and over is, after years of holding a committed relationship at bay, that person falls madly in love with someone else and marries them after a very short time. Don’t let this happen to you!!! Always ask yourself if you are truly getting what you need from your relationship. If the answer is ‘NO’, keep on rolling .

 
 
 ***I say this all the time…you can pretty much determine on the first date whether someone is bad news. Seriously. Here is an article I found that lists:                                          1ST DATE WARING SIGNS

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This is a very creepy picture.